Friday, 2 December 2011

Don't sniff your own shoe

There are some really bad smells in the world.  And then there are teething poos.
Anyone who has been near a teething baby’s nappy will know what I’m talking about.
It’s a rancid, right up your nose, immediate gag reflex kind of smell. A full-on African slum open-drain, blowing down the wind smell.
I’ve put up with this smell on and off for six weeks now.  It’s making me retch and choke and vomit on an almost daily basis. God knows what those poor nursery staff are going through. The baby however, doesn’t seem bothered at all.
I have a fear of certain smells, the thought of smelling them, or putting myself in a position where I might be at risk of smelling them, is enough to send me over the edge. I’ve been known to be over-dramatic when it comes to smells. I think writing about them will make me feel better.
Tomato sauce is one. In a greasy spoon I can cope with the general pungency of deep fried food and stewed tea, but I can sense tomato sauce squirted onto a hot fried egg at twenty paces. Gag.
Any kind of poo. Adult poo, child poo, horse poo, but most of all dog poo.
When there’s something on your shoe and you dare to bend down and take a gentle sniff to double check what it might be……..even though deep down inside you know it isn’t mud. But you just can’t help sniffing.  And it’s always dog shit.                  
Retch, gag, vomit. 
And to make matters worse it lingers in your nostril hairs for hours and hours, follows you everywhere you go, so you are convinced your whole body stinks of it.  So now you’re paranoid too. Smelly and paranoid.
Dog shit on someone else’s shoe in your car? Even worse.
Vomit in your car? Awful.  Your own vomit on your own lap in your car? I’ve been there, disgusting.
Vomit on the ceiling, on the doors, even in the glovebox in someone else’s car?
Stinks. (I’ve been there too, but that’s a different blog and anyway, he forgave me)
So the moral of this story is: don't drink alcohol, stay away from greasy spoons and teething babies.
But most of all, don't sniff your own shoe.