Wednesday, 20 July 2011

Why I can never be famous

There isn't a day goes by that I don't at some point believe I could rule the world. It usually lasts for a few seconds, then I'm back to self-doubting normality, but it happens.

These moments of madness and ridiculous self-belief usually happen while watching TV. Watching The Apprentice I know I could come up with better slogans, or craft a decent TV ad. Watching Big Brother I think I'd be a better housemate, less bitchy. And as for Parliament, well I've worked in local government long enough, surely I'd make a much better MP than that lot? Don't tell me you haven't thought the same.

But I can never, ever, be famous. And the reason for that is written on the front of a birthday card sent to me by one of my closest friends ........

You see? I've simply had too many nights out. And I probably couldn't tell you what happened on most of them. I may have been the model of propriety, well-behaved, lady-like, staying on two feet for the whole time. But judging by the bruises, vomiting and strange flash-backs I usually experienced the next day – I very much doubt it. I'm by no means a wild child, but as many of my girl friends will testify, during my teens and twenties, I probably behaved in a way I'd rather my parents and children didn't see.

And being famous means that every ounce of your past is dragged up and commented on. People see you on the TV and come crawling out of the woodwork to sell their story, not all true, and grab their moment of glory. I've never been arrested and I've never caused anyone serious harm (apart from falling down a big hole and landing on Nicola Roberts). But I have vomited in people's cars, got thrown out of the odd club and humiliated myself in front of the occasional celebrity. And like every one of you reading this post, I've been pretty embarrassing and there's probably photographic evidence to prove it.

So I've dropped the big ideas. I definitely wont be appearing on a TV near you any time soon. I'm sticking with my public sector job, relative obscurity and my cottage near the woods. And I think you should too, cos if I'm ever short of cash and see you on the TV........