(not) Wired for sound

I've made some bad purchases in my time.

One year I bought my husband an electronic dartboard. It added up the scores as you threw. He was confused, I was hormonal (I'd recently had a baby). I thought he could put it in the shed and play happily against himself to hide away from the screaming and tantrums (and that was just me).

Anyway I took it back.

Two years ago I bought him a big fat pair of wireless headphones. He was confused again (this time I was 37 weeks pregnant with a second child). He smiled, we put them on the 2 year old and watched him play along with Family Fortunes, laughed a bit, then forgot about them.

Until recently.

The wireless headphones have made a comeback and they are my new favourite thing. Our living space is open plan, we have one big room in which the whole family does everything. Playing, cooking, eating, working, watching TV. To watch something you have to compete with a whole host of other noises. So I generally don't bother.

But now I can watch the news, sound off/headphones on, whilst cooking dinner (the cooker hood made too much noise before). The other half can watch TV while I listen to the radio. The headphones can babysit the 5 year old while I make work calls and use the PC.

And the reach is good. I can wander into the next room, do as much multi-tasking as I like and I can still hear what's going on.

But I can't hear anything else. No fighting, no calling for 'MUMMY', no 'that's my bike', no 'is the kettle on?'. Nothing. I live in blissful ignorance. Happy in my headphones.

Wireless headphones. They are bloody wonderful.

I have no idea what make or model they are, I panic bought them in Lidl along with some funny red things in a jar. This is not a sponsored post.

It's not like on TV

The problem with getting older is you realise more and more that life just isn’t like what you see on the TV.

Take Rugby. I’ve watched more rugby on the TV than I have seen in real life. I watch the players, I note the moves, I plan my Wednesday session.

I go on the rugby field, I become the player. I AM the player.



After tonight's training



Only I’m not.

The coach describes the drill, I take it in (keen as mustard me), only the disaster that occurs the other end isn’t what I’ve seen on TV or what I’ve planned in my head.

And why can't I stay clean for once?

In local government speak, I’m just not achieving the right 'outcomes'.

The same would happen if I ever went on Strictly Come Dancing.

In head – Ola Jordan.

In reality – Ann Widdecombe.

(and don’t get me started on Masterchef and my high-speed chopping of veg)

I’m going to give up watching TV, it’s making me set unrealistic expectations. As my Uncle Bill (RIP) would have said, “it’ll end in tears”

But I live in Hope.

(and die in Caergwrle)

Why I can never be famous

There isn't a day goes by that I don't at some point believe I could rule the world. It usually lasts for a few seconds, then I'm back to self-doubting normality, but it happens.

These moments of madness and ridiculous self-belief usually happen while watching TV. Watching The Apprentice I know I could come up with better slogans, or craft a decent TV ad. Watching Big Brother I think I'd be a better housemate, less bitchy. And as for Parliament, well I've worked in local government long enough, surely I'd make a much better MP than that lot? Don't tell me you haven't thought the same.

But I can never, ever, be famous. And the reason for that is written on the front of a birthday card sent to me by one of my closest friends ........

You see? I've simply had too many nights out. And I probably couldn't tell you what happened on most of them. I may have been the model of propriety, well-behaved, lady-like, staying on two feet for the whole time. But judging by the bruises, vomiting and strange flash-backs I usually experienced the next day – I very much doubt it. I'm by no means a wild child, but as many of my girl friends will testify, during my teens and twenties, I probably behaved in a way I'd rather my parents and children didn't see.

And being famous means that every ounce of your past is dragged up and commented on. People see you on the TV and come crawling out of the woodwork to sell their story, not all true, and grab their moment of glory. I've never been arrested and I've never caused anyone serious harm (apart from falling down a big hole and landing on Nicola Roberts). But I have vomited in people's cars, got thrown out of the odd club and humiliated myself in front of the occasional celebrity. And like every one of you reading this post, I've been pretty embarrassing and there's probably photographic evidence to prove it.

So I've dropped the big ideas. I definitely wont be appearing on a TV near you any time soon. I'm sticking with my public sector job, relative obscurity and my cottage near the woods. And I think you should too, cos if I'm ever short of cash and see you on the TV........